Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

What do you text your spouse?