As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.