As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists