Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Get off my horse you stupid moon

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

…żyje?

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.