As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
mathematically impossible
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.