Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh