As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
this is what they would have looked like, though
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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect