As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*