Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree