As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
I am never leaving this website
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.