Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this