#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG