Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

Can’t stop laughing

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.