#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now