#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*