#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up