Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

This is me 🤣🤣

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!