asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
The three genders
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.