Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*