asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman