asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows