Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Cat.