[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
😆this is so true
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
where the womens at?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
The biggest mystery of our time
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”