Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

I’m awake but I object,

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

real

A classic…