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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
“what that mouth do?” complain
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?