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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
In banana years, I am bread.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
She was REALLY feeling it.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..