ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Well, that should do it
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.