If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Finally! 😈
From my Mom
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
White Castle for the Win
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.