ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
You Might Also Like
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.