Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.