Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

When I snag the last meatball.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.