Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
