My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Velcrow
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?