Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

When your man makes a valid point

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I’m going to need a moment here.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?