Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.