Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Self-cleaning conscience
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.