Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

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Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.


Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.


No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.


ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u


At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.


1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals


[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.


When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.