Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.