Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.