asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
I can’t stop watching this.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
