asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
