Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
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Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Harsh but fair
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99