Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*