Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
PLOT TWIST:
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.