Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
You Might Also Like
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles