Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
A Short Story.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.