Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?