Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*