Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
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That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
#MeanwhileInCanada
