Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Software Development ⛵️

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”