Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.