Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
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*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?