Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
God, I love Scotland
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Body by sandwich.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”