Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*