Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.