Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Poetry is my passion
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.