Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together