Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.