Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.