@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

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@Reverend_Scott

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@WheelTod

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

@divergentmama

Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.

@BillDixonish

If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.

@rustygunter

If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?

@CrockettForReal

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

@Darlainky

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?