@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

- @T_Bonezzz_

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@GroovyTasia

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

@Home_Halfway

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@abrianmc

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

@jwalkonthemoon

I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.

@KrispyTacoBelle

[Drive thru window]

Me: “The guy behind me said he would pay for this…”

@13spencer

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

@KalvinMacleod

[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.

@smithsara79

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

@AmberDonn

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.