OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?