Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
normalize having existential bread
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES