Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
brian had himself a morning…
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.