Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.