Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..