Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me