Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
🐟✨ #re4
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Hey i am sexy to you now
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.