Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Happy Star Wars day!
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Support your local cemetery
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.