ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?