ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.