Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.