ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
No flush
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper