Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Who called it emotional blackmail and not a heart attack?

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.