Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

TEETH IS INNOCENT

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.