Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
You Might Also Like
What’s so funny?
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
twitter is a journey
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.