Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.