Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
