Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Orange is oranging 🟠
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
