Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
